A Nurse’s View – The Dying Wish of Your Family

 

by Angela Brooks

As exciting as a new life is when it begins there is also an expiration date for each and every one of us. It is not a subject that people want to talk a lot about, however it is a subject that needs to be discussed.

What would happen to you if you were faced with a life and death decision to use life support or not (No Code – DNR). What would happen to you if you could not speak for yourself and your own health actions? Does your family know what you would want to be done or not to be done?

As a nurse I view death from the point of what quality of life would I have – if I had no option to recover and the life I would have left was lying in a bed for someone else to take care of – that is not a life for me.

I have watched so many people over the last 25 years pass on as well as many of my own family – and I have taken care of those that family could not let go of. I am not in judgment of those that hang on but I want more for my family in my life than for them to have false hope.

Over the last 8 years we have watched a family member struggle with the cruel disease of Alzheimer’s. It steals their mind and leaves a body that works and usually healthy to fend for itself with lots of love from family. Patients with Alzheimer’s often die earlier than normal, although a patient may live anywhere from 3 – 20 years after diagnosis.
The final phase of the disease may last from a few months to several years. During that time, the patient becomes totally disabled. Death usually occurs from an infection or organ failure.

When a family is faced with making a life and death decision it becomes stressful and guilty wondering “am I doing the right thing?” The answer is most likely yes. If you know that person cannot get better allowing them to leave their pained body is the most love you can offer to your loved one.

Death is never easy. Even if you think you are ready for it, the actual death and absence of the person becomes very emotional.

As someone begins the journey of slipping from this life, their hearing is the last thing to go. Don’t stop talking to them. Keep them informed of what is going on around them. Tell them who you are and what time it is. Help them pass through with comfort and as little fear as possible.

As our family member’s health began to change the children from out of town were called to come home. With a very short time frame left before the final hour she arranged flights and transportation to arrive as quickly as possible. As the time drew closer the traveling arrangements that could not be changed became a rush against time.

As she landed at the airport the dying family member was updated where the daughter was and she was trying to get home. From the airport to the car ride from an hour and half away she was updated with each step closer to their final meeting. Finally reaching town the text message came “In TOWN!”. Her breathing started changing, her color began to whiten, and the blood pressure for 2 hours was not obtainable. As the daughter reached the care home where her mother laid she rushed to the room leaned over her mother’s body giving her a hug “Mom I am home, I am here you can go now, it is ok” Within 10 minutes her breathing stopped. With relief and as much shock we all smiled, she was waiting for one more moment and this time it happened.

Watching her body relax, no more pain, breathing was no longer struggling, the remains of a well-used body that no longer suffered grieved the family as well as gave them relief.

As a nurse seeing the signs as they approach in someone you have known all your life, knowing it is the end is never easy – nurses deal with death but they are not immune to the emotions that flow with the life that is leaving.

Help your family make the hard decisions with a living will; document what you would like to see happen to you if that time came. They are already losing you; help them with your wishes so they can feel as if they are giving you the best in your final days.