“You deserve mean children” … “Your ornery and always will be” … “You are just like them”
As I reflect back on my early days, I still hear words that were spoken over me…not once…but for years. Why would I not believe them? They loved me, right? And they knew me better than anyone, even myself. Cause how I could I know who I was as a kid growing up – I was being told who I was before I had permission to deny the words that were coming at me.
Don’t get me wrong; I am not angry at those who spoke those words. I understand now they were trying to deal with their own mess in their journey …some of it just spilled out on my road, and I stepped in the toxic waste. It stuck to my feet for many years because I did not know I could just wipe it off and be done with it. Instead…I carried it…into everything I did for the next 29 years.
I grew up in a church where when someone asked for prayer, it became the gossip of the church. Instead of praying for guidance or healing of a situation, it was judged. As I grew up, I saw fewer people kneeling in public. It held me back from asking, not wanting to be the center of church attention. I just held it in – since those were church people and knew God – I sure did not want to ask God to help me because his opinion scared me.
I knew the bible had all the answers for my life, and it said, “You reap what you sow,” I had sowed some pretty bad seeds…so I figured I was getting what I deserved, and I needed to suck it up.
Living Life according to what I believed
At the tender age of 16, I knew it all. I got married and moved to another country….not another state. I lived in a duplex that had rats the size of cats that lived in the garage (I am not kidding)
I never felt like I fit in. I wanted to be more than broke, and broke is what I was. Since I had never bought groceries for myself much less a household – I had no idea how to look for bargains and make the best of having little. I was allowed to spend $80 on household and food every 2 weeks. Most of the time, my refrigerator had crackers and peanut butter. I ate the leftovers at the daycare center I worked for; I only worked 15 hours a week. During the other 153 hours a week, I got hungry often. I was thin, very thin.
At 18 – I lived in Alabama, in a house that had cock-roaches, (I hate those things), and met more strangers. Inside of me, I knew I wanted more – I just did not know what it was. I had mentioned once out loud that I wanted to work in the business – I did not know what kind of business. I was driven in that direction but after being told to get a real job and not waste my time. I did. I was like them in the rat race. Stuffing my dream deeper in my pocket.
At 20, I wanted children – but was told I was too young, and what did I know about raising a kid – I could not take care of myself. The baby that I miscarried was never mentioned again – it was not talked about – I was not allowed to talk about it or to cry over it. It was over. Move on. Be tuff. Grow the hell up.
At 21 1/2 years old – I was divorced after 6 years of whatever that was called, a marriage or a cage. I was angry at the world, and it would not get in my way! I spewed whatever I wanted to whoever I wanted and couldn’t care less if it hurt your feelings. Grow the hell up and get over it.
I ran headfirst into another relationship that poured more acid on the toxic waste that was on my shoes. Walking down a path that brewed more anger
Full of spit and vinegar, I lived out what people expected me to be. Mean, Ornery, and like them. On the inside, I knew I was not like them, and that was not who I was. I had no idea how to change the pattern. I was right dead smack in the middle of a pit with no ladder – no handheld out to pull me up. Since I was so close to the ground, I dropped to my knees and looked up. I said, “God – if you can hear me, then I need you to help me. This is not the life I want.” – something twinged, but I had no idea it was God. I walked on.
Ending another dead-end relationship, jumping right into another one, this time, it almost took my life. I fell head over heels in love with the devil himself. I knew with every part of my being I did not need to be around this man. He scared me – he excited me – but I could not leave. Everyone had already told me I was wrong again and I would get what I deserved – so I waited for it to show up. Family members stopped talking to me and would act like I was not in the room.
Church felt like I was choking so I stopped going, my friends were his friends, my life was a freaking mess. Then it happened – he hid my one-year-old son from me for over 15 hours. I quickly understood how psychosis felt in my patients. I also understood how women who had shot their husbands did it with blank mugshot faces.
My son arrived home safely, and I was scared and angry. I wanted out – but again felt I was in a pit that was deeper than before. This time I had been abandoned by all the males in my family. I called no one, I stayed until he hit me so hard in my left eye that he lifted me off the ground. I left shoe marks 5 feet up on the white wall in the hallway – I remember falling for what seemed like forever, but I do not remember hitting the floor. I was floating in time.
Everything stopped, but it felt like it was in slow motion. I tried to get up and saw the huge puddle of blood on the white carpet of the brand-new house. He rolled me over, and our eyes met. There was hate – anger, actually I saw fire. I opened my mouth to scream, and I don’t know if anything came out.
All sound was gone; I could hear nothing, but I felt the tears roll down my cheeks, and I rose off the floor with such power that I swore someone picked me up. The rage that came out was that of 10 horses.
I screamed, and I made a promise that I would never go back on. With the whole left side of my face swollen down to the middle of my neck – I had whiplash and blood pouring out my nose. I felt no pain, I felt no feelings, I had something pushing me out the door so fast I did not realize I had my son wrapped around my hips like he was super glued. No one touched me – no one said a word. They moved out of my way.
I got home, walked into my bathroom, and stood in front of the mirror. My face was black and purple, my shirt covered in blood, and my son looked as if he was so scared he would never speak again. I looked that young girl straight in the eye. “You will never live like this again, you will not look back.
I have no idea where you are going, but it is not here.” I dropped to my knees and said, “God, I know you are here – and I need you, and tonight I need you to show up. The peace that fell over me was like a cool breeze – I held my arms out and allowed him to love me in the mess I was in, and the tears fell – buckets full.
I picked up the phone and called the ones that had stopped talking to me. Within 6 hours, the biggest U-haul I had ever seen showed up, my driveway filled with people I did not know.
Women entered my kitchen and began loading boxes faster than I had ever seen anyone pack. Not one person mentioned my face – someone took my son because I could not remember when he had been fed or had a drink.
I drove out of the driveway broken, crushed, and lost. Somehow I knew what just happened would be used later in my life for the good…somehow.
Visions lead people
I still had a passion for business in my gut. I ran into an old acquaintance, and she had a bottle of product she was selling. She told me how she was making money selling them to people. It was my first exposure to marketing a multi-leveling company. I was in! I had no clue how to make it work, and neither did my friend, but I was drawn to it. I stayed with the company for several years – making MM’s and gas money.
At 25 – I began working out in the gym, leading me to a new group of people who needed my product. They all bought it. I began pumping iron and dispensing the anger inside onto the dumbbells, all 30lbs, as I curled them with each arm.
One…two…three….four… My body began taking on a new shape that brought new confidence to me. I went on to try out for the gladiators in Nashville – I was toned, packed with muscles, and full of attitude. I never once thought they could beat me. I smiled at my competitor, who was twice my size, and grinned. My mind was set – I would have one of those uniforms.
I pushed – I pulled – I darted – I jabbed. I made the 2nd string.
I could see myself on a stage, and I just guessed it was the gladiators – I never got the chance to use my 2nd string position. I did not care – I made it.
My focus, drive, and vision pushed me to the level I was able to compete. It was never about moving on to the next level. It was about filling the desire that was brewing inside. From there I focused on running a 10K Classic, I did not want to win it – I wanted to finish. Out of 1500 people, I did – #84. Another goal met – I felt confidence rise again.
Strength was growing on the inside.
What I had learned from a very rocky path was what I focused on – I got. Even the rocky relationships – were what I felt like I deserved at that time. I was filling my belief. It took lots of tears, a few more backslides, and determination to know I was designed for more, and what I deserved was to live wild and bold like my God had designed me to be.
He gave me the courage to move forward and knock the dust off my feet from the journey that was behind me. It took 16 more years before I could see through the fogged life that I had lived. I am no longer angry; I actually have the courage to thank the people in my past for pushing me out of that life so I can be who I am.
At 16 – 18 – 20 – 25 and now 45
I had people who loved me and supported me my whole life – but I shut them out. As a brewing volcano, I was not looking for the positive in my life. Today, I am blessed! I have two healthy children, a wonderful husband, a home filled with peace and love, a job, a business. I am a published author, and I am headed in a direction bigger than my mind-eye because I am focused on a business coach in place to lead me down a path she / and he has already paved. I am not walking in the dark but full-on in the provided light.
As a business owner – learning how to generate my own leads, write my own copy, lead a team full of business minds, and speak into the lives of other nurses in a place I wanted out of, I know how you feel – as you can see – I was once there. I felt like I had nothing to offer anyone else – I was not good enough. I remember telling my best friend then, “I am going to be a millionaire someday – even though I had no idea how I was going to do that”. She laughed, and so did I – except deep inside my gut, I believed me.
I was drawn to the internet in 1996 – but not very many people were online yet. It was drawing me like a magnet.
After working with a few companies online, the business journey began before I found one that I could relate to. I followed people who were leading with the business model to talk to more people and follow up on the phone. To be honest, I sucked at it. I made very little money.
I hired a coach, Sandi Krakowski, in 2011 for a full year and learned the skill of life/business coaching (to coach myself and others; to learn how to truly “listen” and connect with people and to myself).
After my first six months with that coach, I was clear on my core values; I was mindful of how to apply what I had learned in my own life to attract the outcomes I sought.
Once again, for 2012, I have hired two coaches, Sandi and PJ, to continue growing personally and coaching my business.
It takes time, and I have lots to learn. I apply everything she teaches me – even when it makes no sense to me – and the results show up. I apply it again. My business grows, and so does my confidence. In 8 months, I replaced half of my nursing income.
As I sit on my couch looking out the front windows, I can look out across an open 17-acre field – in the distance, the dogs are barking, and the day is coming to a close. In the distance is the world that is waiting for me, the same world I once despised. The same one that I thought had nothing to offer me.
Reflecting on my life, I now know that there is something to learn with every painful wrong turn. Someone is out there waiting for me to grow. My journey began 29 years ago. Everyone has a story to tell.
Everyone has life lessons to share.
Everyone has skills that can be repackaged to make a greater contribution, to make more money, and, more importantly, to connect yourself with the world more closely.
Angela Brooks is a mental health nurse educator who spent the last 22 years working in a state-funded mental hospital. In ‘A Nurses Story’, she shares not only what her patients have taught her over the years, but what we can all learn from those we consider ‘at the margins of society. But it’s also a book about nursing, nurses, and how a nurse healed alongside her patients. Ultimately, “A Nurses Story” exposes a raw truth – that we can individually inspire self-worth and purpose in every life we touch if we choose to.
Speechless. Tears. Thank you so very, very much for sharing more of your story. I love you so much. I’ve known for awhile that you are a kindred spirit and I’m so honored to know more of the ‘why’ behind that. Bless your courage (remember…it’s moving forward in spite of our trembling!) and leadership. Hope this makes sense: I am so very proud of you! The sky isn’t the limit for you, girl….you’re headed into the Stratosphere!
Angela, I thought there was something super special about you – and now I know it! Thank you for sharing your story and breathing life into others who may be facing some of the same things you have faced. You are an inspiration… 🙂
Bravo Angela…I know from experience how difficult this was for you to write and I so admire you for shedding the old skin and becoming YOU! There are no mistakes, only lessons. And you have taken yours and so graciously shared them with us demonstrating that every experience, choice and decision in the past has been another layer of what ultimately has become one of the most loving, caring and generous people I have ever known. You are an amazing person doing amazing things and I am so blessed to have connected with you. Blessings~your friend, denny ((hugs)):) Looking forward to sharing 2012 with you!
Thank you Denny – onions are made out of layers time to pile one off – You are an amazing friend.
Victoria – Breathing life is just what I want to do – there is so much more out there. Dreams do not belong in your pocket 🙂
Elise now you know why I could relate…*BIG HUGS* to you. I love the word Stratoshere!!
I hope I was writing to you – know that you have a burning in your belly leading you in a direction – it knows YOU follow it – I can’t wait to see you grow this year!
Angela, I’m just speechless! I appreciate you just being you in this post. It’s just so raw and I can see how much you’ve grown and learned from your past. This is such an inspiration for all those women out there who just don’t know whether to stay or go and how to move one. Bravo!
Thank you Golda – that was a sad young girl. I have learned so much – you are right about that – to lift one person up would not be enough – I hope it gives courage to thousands
OMG, Angela. What a story. You have so much to give and contribute. What an inspiration you are. Keep holding on to your dream of making a difference. Many blessings.
I believe all that happened for a reason one that has not been exposed to be just yet….Thanks Rose
Hi Angela Brooks I can understand where your coming from I was in abusive relationship and also my two other sisters were in abusive relationships and I did not stay with him that long I want to tell you I read the bible when I was in that abusive relationship that’s what saved me Jesus Christ. Angie Meisenholder
Wow. You. Go. Girl. Thank you so much for sharing your story with courage and raw honesty. Who knows how many lives this will touch? You’ve encouraged me today!
Oh wow! I can only say that God brought you into my path for a reason, and now I know even more the reason why. Thank you so much for sharing! Pieces of my puzzle are falling into place, and I’m finally finding ME. Thank you for being a part of that!
Angela, Thanks for sharing your story! Isn’t God great! It’s true. The pain we suffer and all that we learn, the turning points in life–are all worth it! We become able to empathize better and well, just understand others more deeply. I’m so glad you survived to tell the story!
Angela, I just read your story…. somehow, I am not surprised at how your life turned out. You see, right from the beginning, God had his hand on you! How amazing is that…. Wowsers! You did make wrong choices & decisions but that is what we do with the knowledge we have at the time. When we know better, we do better. Woohoo! The day came when you knew better! That was your turning point. And, by God’s grace all the hard things we go through in life are springboards to help other people going through the same things. So proud of you, Angela. YOU are amazing. Thanks for sharing… x0x
The LEARNED Preneur @ NormaDoiron.NET
Hi Angela, It seems we have similar stories but mine took a different turn (which I won’t get into here) but we both came out on the other side better people. Thanks so much for sharing, I don’t quite have the courage to spill my guts yet but I know it’s coming, this post has helped tremendously. Keep up the great work, I love what you’re doing!
I cannot really relate to your experiences but your story is so compelling and I know how much courage it must have taken to write it down. I got angry and sad and cried for you and all those who have to go through such a difficult beginning. Thankfully, we can rejoice because Jesus is a redeemer and makes beauty from ashes. What a triumph your story is!
Wow, Angela that explains a lot of things. You are one tough woman and it is amazing to have been a part of your journey this past year. Your growth is inspiring and now by you sharing a peek into your past your heart is free to grow alongside your business. Good job, I can only imagine how difficult it was to put these words onto the paper.
Carla – the funny thing is I sat down to write a post and this pored out – the publish button was the hard part 🙂 Thank you my friend
He is good all the time!
I hope some day soon you find the courage someone is waiting on you
YES he is!
Charlotte touching thousand would be worth the whole trip I took!
Angela – you are an inspiration. You inspire me to move forward and face the new day with life and joy. I read a quote today that made me think of you just now. .” Every person from your
past lives as a shadow in your mind. Good or bad, they helped write the
story of your life, and shaped the person you are today.” Our stories have not completely been written and we grow and change with each new day, each new experience. I am proud to call you a friend and thank God each and everyday that our path’s have crossed. Thank you for influencing my story!! God Bless!
Angela, thanks for sharing your story and being so honest. I can relate to your past and know the pain and suffering. God has brought you into “our” lives for a reason and seeing the good and love that comes with that, such a blessing to all.
Lauri that made me smile!
I like that quote alot!!
Powerful sharing Angela! You painted such a great picture and when you wrote the part about picking yourself up, I got the picture of a powerful female warrior, not full of spit and vinegar but full of power and passion!!
Since you had already (by the strong hand of God) defeated ” the Devil” , it is no wonder you have been able to overcome and take charge of less formidable foes!
Truly God prepared you for big things! Even if the world does not recognize it as so, the difference you make to people day in and out are BIG and matter! It’s a lesson to us all as your story is!
All I can say is how thankful I am to know you!
AB
OH Annie!!! I love that – “Powerful Female Warrior full of power and Passion”
Angela, you are a true inspiration to me! You motivate me with your positive attitude each day. I wish I could have worked with you before I retired from WSH. I know you make a great difference in the Patients lives you take care of each day. I love your writings, but I am very sorry about the terrible trials you endured. I guess the old saying is true, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. You are so strong and passionate about everything you do! God bless you! love Wilda
Thank you Wilda! I wished I could have worked with you too – I enjoy the patients – they have stories that make you appreciate your life
Truly inspiring Angela. Amazing how we think God is not there, but yet in our darkest hour all we have to do is mention his name. He’s there waiting, patiently for us to call on him. Thank you for opening your heart, sharing your story, and blessing me today!
Truly inspiring story Angela. So thankful that our God is so patient that he waits on us to call him and shows up when we do. Thanks for sharing a little bit of you and blessing me today.
This is an amazing story. I applaud you for writing it down. I am so glad you were able to get out of your relationship with your son still alive… sadly many don’t. I’m not a nurse but I get a lot of value out of your website none the less.
Trust me…. it took alot to write that down – Thank you!! My baby boy is now 6’0 tall !!
Wow…
Your story is truly inspirational, Angela. Thank God for your perseverance, for seeking His mercy, and for listening to His call.
Thank you for having the courage to share this with the world. You are a strong woman.
Here’s to your continued success and prosperity!
Thank you! That means allot Dave
Awesome story, Angela. I too was a battered wife, so I know some of what you went thru. Thank God He was protecting you and giving you strength even when you probably didn’t realize He was there! While going thru it, I didn’t realize it, but looking back, only He could have gotten me out of that situatio. And I firmly believe He was the One that grabbed me by the hand and made me run with my 2 girls that nite, the nite my life changed for the better! God bless.
Thanks for sharing your story, Angela…Sometimes I feel so alone in my struggles and your background sounds so much like mine…except that I have not found my happy ending yet…sigh. I have also always wanted to have my own business….and I wrote a book once but could never figure out how to get it published…lol You are a wonderful, caring and intelligent lady. ; )